Category Archives: domestic violence

How to make a relationship more powerful

Mom_Dad_child sitting

1. Maintain your relationship with yourself

2. Have a conversation with your partner to co-create the relationship together

3. Learn how your partner receives love

4. Create a conversational context (Empower your communication inside your relationship)

Quality Questions & Good Communication

Power & Control (man & woman on couch)

Why asking quality questions, being a good communicator and being focused on mutually meeting each others needs, is essential to maintaining any healthy friendship or relationship long term.

Why holding back or seeking to punish those who you feel wronged by, is not loving or helpful to the long term success of your relationships.

Are you a woman of worth?

Children Reading

A mother is often defined as someone who has given birth to a child. That in itself is incredible. The fact that each and every one of us has come from a woman. There is something far more special to women than simply the biological ability to give birth.

Mothers are people who change the world. They pass on wisdom, they pass on their best traits to the people they raise, they change the world through the people they influence. That’s what the most powerful moms are, they are influencers.

What’s interesting about this is that no woman needs to be a biological mother to have the best qualities of a mom, because what mom’s really are, they are agents of influence, agents of change and any woman can be that. That’s what makes women powerful, that’s what makes women special.

How many women lose their identity when they get married and have children? When the children finally leave the nest, they end up looking for an identity again because being a woman is not just a matter of being a wife or mother. There’s this powerful woman, with parts of herself that she had forgotten along the way while she was being a mother, but the truth is . . . being a mom is not what made her special, being a powerful woman is what made her special.

Angel Sign for baby

Moms teach us a sense of kindness and empathy that’s unique to her and allows you to be the person you are today. Think about these questions for a few minutes . . .

• Would you be who you are today if it was not for your mother?
• Would you be in the career you’re in today if it was not for your mother?
• Would you be good at what you do if it wasn’t for your mother?

Moms are the people who change our lives.

Baby sleeping on crescent moon

Questions:
• Who in your life, whether it is your biological mother or a mother figure, taught you something and what was that thing she taught you?

• What would you like to pass on as a powerful woman to somebody else to change their life?

nature-water-flowers-purple-medium

You’re incredible. You do incredible things on this earth each and every single day and you change the world in the process.

Flowers on wooden table

Men:
Pay homage to a woman in your life who has given you a gift that you treasure in your heart today.

Rose opening Animation

7 Signs of an “Emotionally Abusive Relationship” (All Women MUST WATCH)

Power & Control (man & woman on couch)

Are you currently in an abusive relationship? Have you dated someone in the past who was abusive?

Watch the 7 Signs of An Abusive Relationship to learn what to do.

Flowers on wooden table

Here are the 7 signs:

1. He’s a psycho saddist – he literally feels better about himself the more than he puts you down. Maybe he constantly humiliates you, criticizes you, or embarrasses you.

2. You’re forced to always put his needs in front of your own needs because you’re scared of how he might react.

3. He makes you believe that you are the reason why the relationship is struggling – or that you’re the crazy one.

4. He cheats on you or intentionally tries to make you jealous.

5. He treats you like a pet, not like a person. Does he control where you go, what you do? Does he keep you from seeing friends or family, or limit your access to money, the phone or the car?

6. He makes you feel inferior by negatively comparing you to other people or other women.

7. You’re afraid of him

Toxic Relationship Test – 10 Toxic Love Signs

Abuse_Woman cowering

Toxic relationships hurt like hell.

Do you have a toxic lover?

Take the toxic relationships test.

Count the signs that are true for your relationship.

Take the Emotional Abuse Test here:

How we see ourselves comes from our attitude

BEHIND EVERY SCAR THERE IS A STORY . . .

Have you heard about the Japanese art form called Kintsukuroi which means to “repair with gold”. When a ceramic pot or bowl breaks or cracks, it is put together again using gold or silver to create something stronger and more beautiful than it was before.

Find the rest of the story here:

Strong woman . . . walk away!

A strong woman will automatically stop trying

Do not compromise your self-worth and dignity by forcing yourself to stay in a place where it is evident and explicitly clear that you are no longer valued.

Take heart and move on with your life, there is a better future waiting for you out there. Trust and believe that better things are still to come for you.

African Lion

Battered Women’s Syndrome
Battered Women’s Syndrome is considered to be a form of Post-Traumatic Stress. Battered Women’s Syndrome is a recognized psychological condition that is used to describe someone who has been the victim of consistent and/or severe domestic violence. To be classified as a battered woman, a woman has to have been through two cycles of abuse.

What is a Cycle of Abuse?
A Cycle of abuse is abuse that occurs in a repeating pattern. Abuse is identifiable as being cyclical in two ways: it is both generational and episodic. Generational cycles of abuse are passed down, by example and exposure, from parents to children. Episodic abuse occurs in a repeating pattern within the context of at least two individuals within a family system. It may involve spousal abuse, child abuse, or even elder abuse.

A son, who is repeatedly either verbally or physically abused by his father, will predictably treat his own children in the same way. When a daughter hears her mother frequently tear down, belittle, and criticize her father, she will adapt a learned behavior which involves control through verbal abuse. Similarly, a child who witnesses his parents engaging in abusive behaviors toward one another, will very likely subject his or her spouse to the same abusive patterns. These are examples of generational abuse.

The episodic cycle of abuse is characterized by distinct periods of behavior that eventually result in an extreme episode of verbal and/or physical abuse. Typically, victims of episodic abuse live in denial of this reoccurring pattern.

Flowers on wooden table

Stages of Battered Women’s Syndrome
There are generally four stages in the battered women’s syndrome.

Stage One–Denial
Stage one of battered women’s syndrome occurs when the battered woman denies to others, and to herself, that there is a problem. Most battered women will make up excuses for why their partners have an abusive incident. Battered women will generally believe that the abuse will never happen again.

Stage Two–Guilt
Stage two of battered women’s syndrome occurs when a battered woman truly recognizes or acknowledges that there is a problem in her relationship. She recognizes she has been the victim of abuse and that she may be beaten again. During this stage, most battered women will take on the blame or responsibility of any beatings they may receive.

Battered women will begin to question their own characters and try harder to live up their partners “expectations.”

nature-water-flowers-purple-medium

Stage Three-Enlightenment
Stage three of battered women’s syndrome occurs when a battered woman starts to understand that no one deserves to be beaten. A battered woman comes to see that the beatings she receives from her partner are not justified. She also recognizes that her partner has a serious problem. However, she stays with her abuser in an attempt to keep the relationship in tact with hopes of future change.

Stage Four–Responsibility
Stage four of battered women’s syndrome occurs when a battered woman recognizes that her abuser has a problem that only he can fix. Battered women in this stage come to understand that nothing they can do or say can help their abusers. Battered women in this stage choose to take the necessary steps to leave their abusers and begin to start new lives.

If you are a victim of domestic violence, help is available. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (in South Africa) at 0800-150-150. They will direct you to safe places in your area where you can seek help.

Is love like the ocean, full of conflict and full of pain?

Brook_Water over rocks

What is love?

What does love mean to you?

Complete the sentence: Love is . . . .

Erich Fromm
Infantile love follows the principle:
“I love because I am loved”
Mature love follows the principle:
“I am loved because I love”
Immature love says:
“I love you because I need you”
Mature love says:
“I need you because I love you”

Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet
“ . . . let there be spaces in your togetherness, and let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another, and make not a bond of love; let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.”

nature-water-flowers-purple-medium

Perhaps Love
By John Denver

Perhaps love is like a resting place – a shelter from the storm
It exists to give you comfort – it is there to keep you warm
And in those times of trouble when you are most alone
The memory of love will bring you home

Perhaps love is like a window – perhaps an open door
It invites you to come closer – it wants to show you more
And even if you lose yourself and don’t know what to do
The memory of love will see you through

Love for some is like a cloud – to some as strong as steel
For some a way of living for some a way to feel
And some say love is holding on and some say letting go
And some say love is everything, some way they don’t know

Perhaps love is like the ocean full of conflict full of pain
Like a fire when it’s cold outside – or thunder when it rains
If I should live forever and all my dreams come true
My memories of love will be of you

And some say love is holding on
And some say letting go
And some say love is everything
Some say they don’t know
Perhaps love is like the mountains full of conflict full of change
Like a fire when it’s cold outside – or thunder when it rains
If I should live forever and all my dreams come true
My memories of love will be of you

Do you know what an Emotional Manipulator looks like?

Power & Control (man & woman on couch)

How often have you heard words like “that person is a Narcisssist” or “he/she has a Borderline Personality” or “she’s Anti-Social”? Do you realise that these are not just words that can easily be attached to people? These are real mental health conditions and unless you have a qualification is Psychology or a mental health discipline, you are not qualified to use these labels without merit.

People with Personality Disorders are not evil. They have a mental illness. They are not just wilfully behaving badly, they are behaving the way their brain is telling them to behave.

According to the DSM-V diagnostic criteria “Personality disorders are a class of mental disorders characterised by enduring maladaptive patterns of behaviour, cognition and inner experience, exhibited across many contexts and deviating markedly from those accepted by the individual’s culture. These patterns develop early, are inflexible, and are associated with significant distress or disability.”

If you do a search for these disorders on the website for the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) you will find it says “will add description later” because these disorders are so difficult to define.

The question you need to ask yourself is: how do you know if the person you are dating or divorcing has a Personality Disorder or if they are really just behaving badly?

The answer is – it doesn’t matter.

If someone is hurting you physically or manipulating you emotionally, you must stop allowing them to do so. The reason for their behaviour is irrelevant. We need to realise and understand that people can be dangerous even if they are not “evil”. No matter how much empathy you have for the other person’s struggles, you do not deserve to be mistreated or abused.

Power and Control (Groom & Bride)

Looking back on your relationship with an emotional manipulator, if you think about the behaviour they displayed at the beginning of your relationship you will see the following red flags were present:

1. An intense, sometimes urgent, courting period
2. Pressure to commit to an exclusive relationship before you knew each other well or felt totally comfortable doing so
3. Tendencies to being jealous, explained away with overflowing compliments about how desirable you are, or statements about how “you just don’t get how guys/girls are”
4. Subtle put-downs, often disguised as friendly advice or constructive criticism
5. Dismissive responses to your feelings and your accomplishments
6. Qualified apologies for bad behaviour
7. Your gut tells you something is wrong – never ignore your gut feeling

Always remember that just because you thought you liked someone, agreed to going on a date with them, paid for a few of their meals, had sex with them, told them you love them or anything else, you are never under any obligation to continue a relationship with someone who makes you feel bad or uncomfortable in any way.

No one knows you better than yourself, and if someone is trying to tell you that you are wrong about how you think you feel – RUN!!!! Don’t walk to the nearest exit. RUN!!!!!

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/7-red-flags-emotional-manipulators-wave-ajrt/#sthash.aleczj6o.dput

Still . . . I Rise!

Chick breaking out of shell

The world is missing what I am ready to give. My wisdom, my sweetness, my love and my hunger for peace.

Where are you? Where are you, little girl with broken wings but full of hope? Where are you, wise woman covered in wounds? Where are you?

Still I Rise
By Maya Angelou (1978)

“You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I’ll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
‘Cause I walk like I’ve got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I’ll rise.

Rose opening Animation

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops,
Weakened by my soulful cries?

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don’t you take it awful hard
‘Cause I laugh like I’ve got gold mines
Diggin’ in my own backyard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I’ll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I’ve got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history’s shame
I rise
Up from a past that’s rooted in pain
I rise
I’m a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise

Into a daybreak that’s wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.”

Watch: Today I Rise

Food for Thought:
• The ability to “rise” repeatedly from such depths is the fruit of tremendous inner strength
• This poem is an obstinate celebration rooted in identification and a desire for freedom
• This poem speaks of the author’s capacity to love, her willingness to forgive and overcome
• The poem emphasizes the individual strength needed to rise above the efforts to oppress, obscure and dehumanise

From And Still I Rise by Maya Angelou. Copyright © 1978 by Maya Angelou. Reprinted by permission of Random House, Inc.