Monthly Archives: February 2014

Adults of Alienated Parents – who are they?

Baby Pram

It may be easier to think in terms such as there are three different kinds of alienated adult children.

The first, could be those that have not realized they were abused by PA or/and HAP abuse. They have been brainwashed, taught to hate, and they carry on in this destructive damaging cycle they were raised in, nothing changes for them.
~ Angry, dysfunctional adult children.

The second, may be the ones that have come to the beginnings of realization about PA or HAP abuse. They may not have acted on it yet, but they are aware of it, they are feeling guilty, they are feeling lost, they are angry at the alienating parent and perhaps still angry at or afraid to approach the alienated parent for fear of rejection. There is a chance the relationships are strained between the child and both parents, as they seek their own path in their own life.
~ Standing alone on no-man’s land.

The third, which is a difficult place to truly come to, but proven possible by many already, could be the adult children that have moved past all of this aftermath, taken responsibility for their life, their choices and their love. The ones that know they do not have to choose between parents, or anyone for that matter. If they are still made to do so, they will choose the people that are best to and for them, the healthier parent, loved one, friend or colleague. They set healthy boundaries, and take a stand against those who challenge those boundaries and may even be a little less forgiving of certain behaviours of others, than some. They have moved past being a victim to becoming a survivor. They have grown-up and mastered the art of living well. It is challenging at times and they may waiver, but they will get through.
~ They have, in its true form, overcome.

This was originally posted on Facebook by a group called: Parenting Beyond Trauma: https://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=687872024597846&id=474079805977070

NOTE: HAP means Hostile-Aggressive Parenting is a very serious and damaging form of abuse and maltreatment that parents and even other family members can engage in. HAP is most often identified in individuals with controlling and bullying personalities or those with mild to severe personality disorders. HAP can be a factor in all types of parenting arrangements including sole maternal custody, sole paternal custody and joint custody.

In general, parents exhibiting Hostile-Aggressive-Parenting have not succeeded in getting on with their own life and remain, instead, controlled by their negative emotions and continue to exercise power and control over their ex-spouse’s life, their ex-spouse’s parenting and to a large extent, over the children of the relationship as well. HAP parents will blame everyone else except themselves.

How to deal with the Passive-Aggressive Ex-Spouse!

Woman Thinking at Desk Animation

Protecting Yourself from a Passive-Aggressive Ex-Spouse

Because it’s easy to get pulled back into situations and emotionally charged issues you worked so hard to extricate yourself from, protect yourself with these tips to keep hidden anger from seeping back into your relationship with your ex-spouse:

Watch out for emotional reasoning or “feel think,” when a person allows his/her emotions to rule without indeed checking whether any suspicions, jealousy or other feelings are valid. Passive-aggressive individuals have a tendency to see things more starkly – all or nothing, black or white – without seeing any shades of gray or in between. Very often these feelings and faulty perspectives feed anger that seep out in indirect ways.

Know that passive-aggressive spouses who are also self-absorbed will expect that things work out for them, but not for you. They will very often send off mixed messages saying one thing, doing another. Resist the urge to share details of your successes and to believe their friendliness because you may find back-stabbing in the next encounter.

Realize that you may never have closure on what anger issues lurked in your marriage. This can be frustrating to live with. Likely, if your ex-spouse hid a lot of anger, there won’t be a sudden recognition of that anger either. Awareness could come gradually or not at all.

Resist playing the typical passive-aggressive games. Not every comment has to have a response, nor email or other exchange. Ignore what you can, back away from any tendency to have the last word or react. Talk friendly yet assertively. Making points just keeps the game going.

Know that it may take time to convince third parties or the court system of any manipulation. But have faith that in time, process plays out and when there’s light to be seen, reasonably minded people usually do see this. Children will see the light as well, when they are older, and if there’s light to be seen. Especially if you operate from a good value system without reactivity, your behavior will also look exemplary in the minds of others.

(Portions of this came from the book Overcoming Passive-Aggression: How to Stop Hidden Anger From Spoiling Your Relationships, Career and Happiness by Tim Murphy, Ph.D. and Loriann Hoff Oberlin, M.S., LCPC)

Posted on Facebook at: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Parenting-Beyond-Trauma/474079805977070

Why rape is not reported

Girl Reading Book

A non-governmental organisation in Cape Town, Western Cape recently conducted a survey to find out the main reasons for survivors not reporting rape (https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/RTDK9JL).

The result of that survey was as follows (in the order of most common reason to least common reason given)

1. They are scared of the process of reporting and going to court
2. They are scared of what the rapist might do
3. They don’t want people to find out
4. They don’t think the case will be successful
5. They wrongly feel they are partly to blame
6. The don’t know that what happened to them was rape
7. They don’t know how to report rape
Source: Rape Crisis survey on Facebook, January 2014

In all of the above reasons given for not reporting rape, what can we do to help?

• What can we do to make things less scary?

• How can we encourage reporting even though conviction rates are not guaranteed?

• What can we do to convince survivors they are not to blame for what happened – not even partially to blame?

• Definition of rape – defining what constitutes rape is not enough. How do we convince men and women that rape is not only perpetrated by strangers? i.e. you could be raped by your husband/boyfriend/colleague/friend.

1 Billion Likes For 1 Billion Women; Letter from Eve

Announcement animation

Dear Risers…A Letter From Eve

Dear Risers,

We are two weeks away. Many of us have worked for months to prepare for our risings for justice. Some have just found out and signed up and some have created a rising in their school, center, place of worship, their block, in their office, factory, home or bedroom. Some are planning with coalitions, others with local groups, some with their best friends. Some are organizing to rise in squares, courthouses, mines, military bases, college campuses, fields. Some in their bodies, hearts and minds. Some are dancing on stages, others in parks, in squares, in prisons, in auditoriums. Some are working to bring out thousands, others just their close circle. Some are engaging men and new activists. Some are gathering the courage to join any group at all, or release their story, or dance in public or in the streets which would, could mean risking their lives. Some are rising to release their wounds, others are rising to articulate them.

Every rising is part of a collective energetic decision to end the violence on this planet that has traumatized women and girls’ bodies and robbed us of the full capacity of our life force and value. Every rising is a dance of connection to end racial, environmental, economic, and gender injustice.

There is no way to fail.

What matters is that we rise, that we name the injustice, that we commit with our bodies and our communities that this rising on the 14th, like all the days that lead up to it and all the days that follow it, is our life.

Each rising for justice is part of the river of justice, the current of a new paradigm, an unstoppable wave, joining us through the strength and encouragement of our global solidarity.

May this wave lift us and unite us. May it take us and surprise us.

May it move us into love.

Eve

Learn more about tips for RISING, and access downloads and resources in our One Billion Rising for Justice Toolkit http://www.onebillionrising.org/resources/toolkit/